“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
You Might Also Like
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
some things should go without saying
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
*doordash driver delivers four happy meals with chocolate milk and Disney princess toys*
“Looks like a fun night. How many kids do you have?”
Me: How many what now?
British websites use biscuits.
forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
I’ve finally made it big in New York. My apartment has a walk-in kitchen! Now I just have to practice walking sideways
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*