“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
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When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down 👍
GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
I finally gave up telling my Boomer mum there’s no fine for not rewinding the movie after watching it anymore… Netflix have people who do that after you go to bed, mum!
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.