“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
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*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
Call me old-fashioned, but I thought we’d pretty much sorted the design of the cup.
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
Hi, I’m Emma. My hobbies include:
1. Not cleaning
2. Not cooking and
3. Not doing laundry.
Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
We can’t land research equipment on Venus because the heat melts the circuitry, so NASA should build rovers made from fat-free cheese because nothing can melt that garbage.
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
when someone rings the doorbell
The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
Probably the one thing that separates us from the animals is that animals don’t package and sell people crackers.
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
oh. I see you’ve gained some weight.
-my mirror
ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*
SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment