OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
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Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
Darth Vader: Luke
Luke: ya
Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father
Luke: um ok
Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan
Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
spot the difference
They should build a separate grocery store for people who have actually purchased food before, know how to push a cart, and possess at least an ounce of spatial awareness.
[On the way home from school pick-up]
Me: So, what did you do at school today?
9: I burned down everything that exists.
5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?
9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.
Not. Even. Joking.
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily