OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
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He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
Same pineapple, same
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
You Can Either Verify Whether This Inspirational Story Is True Or Share It Now And Reap The Precious Social Capital
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
Any room can be an escape room when you have diarrhea
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*
Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*
Do you ever feel like you鈥檙e a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I鈥檓 starting to lose hope
Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
Don鈥檛 try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
What stage of marriage is it when you鈥檙e uncomfortable because they鈥檙e being nice to you?
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade