Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love you to the refrigerator and back

Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.

My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.

I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.

*shampoos & conditions hair

*rinses hair

*blowdries hair

*straightens hair

*spits toothpaste into hair

You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan

[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities

other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut

News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.

Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.

assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?

Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.

Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.

Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.

Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.

If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.

Made a mistake by asking the toddler how many cookies she wants… now she’s pissed that I don’t have “ten hundred cookies.”

Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?

Wife: I’m definitely bothered

@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.

[First target practice]

Son: I missed

Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.

Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured

Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos

me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat

mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]

me: so really i did you guys a favor

I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”

“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”

– Viruses

My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.

… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.

[if I was in horror movies, a thread]

jock: let’s split up

me: no

Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.

Tell me why I had to find out via HGTV house hunters that my OBGYN is searching for a house in Florida bc SHES MOVING???

Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning