Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
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If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]
“The”
*bounce*
“British”
*bounce*
“are”
*bounce*
“coming!!”
*bounce*
*bounce*
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.
Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.