Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes

[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal

There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.

“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”

Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.

A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.

My dad’s son is like a brother to me.

I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts

It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.

Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.

*new parents*

Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.

Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!

[first date]

Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*

It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend

giddy up Office Depot

Nobody:

Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.

Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.

My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck

I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.

If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.

*pee

Girls don’t want boys. Girls want the 12-foot skeleton from Home Depot.

People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.

The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.

Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.

Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.

I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.

If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug

me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in

her: it says volvo on it

Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.

Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*

Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.

Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?

*Brings pen to sword fight*

Guy with sword : What’s that?

Me : Tis mightier!

*Gets beheaded*

I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings