Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
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Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
I was getting my mail today and my neighbor asked me if I was gay and I was like “what?” He said he was only asking because of my rainbow lanyard and I was like “oh no it’s much weirder than that.”
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
Cleaning your kids room will piss you off cause why is my Air Fryer in here.
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
BOSS: your productivity has been low
ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week
BOSS: who?
ME: me
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!