Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
You Might Also Like
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
Her: Does your dog do any tricks?
Me: I taught him to lie on the bed
Her: That’s not impressive lol
Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter
Perfect
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
why is my brain passive aggressive to me?
like, don’t make me feel nauseous after eating too much ice cream when you’re the one that decided we should eat the ice cream
How do villains get henchman? Networking? Asking because I’m thinking about being one but i hate networking
Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
Cashier: Your total is $5,682.52
Me: Hmm…can you take off the replacement razor blades?
Cashier: Yeah, that’ll be $2.99
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
Don’t let hippos sniff mopeds
Or a deer chew your bike
Hide big wheels from gators
They know what they like
Geese love to rub rowboats
Ducks will tickle your van
Rabbits snuggle with tractors
Whenever they can
Squirrels smooch skateboards
If a door’s left ajar
And whatever you do
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do