Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”

my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket

me: oh no

my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time

me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands

Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what

Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?

Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.

The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”

Some random person just tilled my and my neighbors’ garden sometime during the night.

I’m afraid we’re dealing with a serial tiller.

ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision

Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.

Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.

What happens when Batman sees Catwoman?

The Dark Knight Rises

Happy Tuesday

*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*

Are you a hero about to fight some baddies? Here are some battle cry ideas to strike fear into your enemies’ hearts:

* Hot buttery death!

* HR will hear about this!

* I’m as strong as fifty men and as crazy as a thousand raccoons!

* Brenda!

* Don’t hit me! I’m telling Mom!

Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.

jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this

j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same

I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.

I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.

I asked 5 why she threw her peas on the floor and she said “it wasn’t me it was my imaginary friend“ and I said “I didn’t know you had an imaginary friend” and she said “I don’t, I just thought of it when you got cross about the peas”

Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.

Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.

Me: oh. wow. ok.

Wife: what?

Me: nothing, it’s fine.

Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?

Greek yogurt should have Greek names.

“What flavor you got?”

“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”

Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?

Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces

I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married

me: *applies to cult*

cult: no thx

dril cadence

if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic

If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.

GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean

SHARK: nice

GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land

HORSE: cool

GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean

BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?

GOD: um

BLUE WHALE: um what?

“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.

We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.

cashier: have a nice day

me: i got other plans, buddy

I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.