Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”
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I’m going back in time to kill whoever invented the wheel so we never have to hear the phrase ‘circling back’
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
guys PLEEEAAASEEE does anyone have the original pic of this thread it’s been on my mind for 2 days now
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.
*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
Remembered my dad suddenly. I had an argument with him – said he saw a Dodo Bird once in the 1970s. I told him that was impossible. He said he saw the fucking thing. Our family thought we were arguing about politics or something. Nope. Dodo Bird. Anyway I believe him now.
What do you do for a living?
I’m a spy !
Why are you dressed like a shepherd?
I’m a shepherds spy !
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.