Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.

[1st date]

Him: Do you like magic?

Her: I LOVE MAGIC

Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]

Her: *Screams*

Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.

I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.

ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing

HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard

ME: hannahannahannahannaha

You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.

I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.

Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?

Business owners’ worst nightmare would be if sign twirlers unionized. Those people excel at holding signs. Their picket lines would be spectacular.

Hour 43 no smoking:

-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.

I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.

-inventor of powerwalking

Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”

DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:

– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash

– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth

– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry

Me: [gets coffee]

News: [election updates]

Me: [adds vodka to coffee]

I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.

Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?

Heifer *chewing cud*
No

Teacher: Swallow it again then.

Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.

I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.

Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.

Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.

me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok

Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,

say, “I lost half a super-model”

You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.

When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…

*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*

[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-

All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall

Lean in

And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’

How to tell if your wife is mad at you

1. She is

This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?

I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.

*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*

Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.

I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.