Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
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I am absolutely never leaving this website
Produce goes bad three times faster when you’re the one who paid for it. It’s science!
So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
going to bed
Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
When I grow up, I want to be 16
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.