Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
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I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”
HIM: “This might sound weird…”
STYLIST: “Try me.”
HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”
STYLIST: “I got this.”
Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*