@Marlebean

Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.

Me, meeting anyone from instagram.

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@DomBorrett

I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people

@lisaxy424

[someone breaks into the house]

Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings

My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY

@BreweryBaron

One time my wife accidentally threw a knife at me, but I’m pretty sure the second time was intentional.

@VerbsRProudest

I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.

@AJslackie

Feed me once shame on you, Feed me twice i’m moving in.

@Slims_Ramblings

Confidence should never be confused with arrogance.

Arrogance is spelled way differently.

@ObscureGent

Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.

@JohnHilsen

You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.

@splegge

Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys