I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
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[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
One time my wife accidentally threw a knife at me, but I’m pretty sure the second time was intentional.
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
Feed me once shame on you, Feed me twice i’m moving in.
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
Confidence should never be confused with arrogance.
Arrogance is spelled way differently.
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.
Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!