Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
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If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
It’s funny how my husband always talks me into going out to eat on the days I say I’m making salad for dinner.
No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
Twitter is an abusement park.
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
Me to cat: quit looking at me like I’m an ingredient
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers
Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
