Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?

me: no

God: I shall call this a tiger

Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever

Priest: do you take this woman

Me: I do

[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]

Me: -not

[sheriff’s office]

me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition

deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records

me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now

Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore

Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not

[i get back from the supermarket]

wife: did you forget about dre

me: nope

wife: did you remember the alamo

me: yep

wife: did you get the eggs

me: goddammit

My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.

It’s like looking in a mirror.

ALIEN: Take me to your leader

ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader

My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.

If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter

If you want a nice quiet lunch, try a Shhhushi Bar.

Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.

Shank you.

– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery

I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.

My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?

Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.

Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!

My dad:

brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it

Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot

Me: ok

My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate

Me: ok

If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.

professor x: what’s your power

me: time travel and a full head of hair lol

professor x: get out

[5 seconds later]

professor x: what’s your power

me, wearing a hat: time travel

Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.

I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.

“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?

I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.

“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye

What’s fuzzy, green, and if it jumped out of a tree it’d kill you?

a pool table.

There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.

ME: let me be frank

DAD: [eyes widen]

ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed

DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed

Girl: I love Medieval Art

Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now

Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?

The dude who invented the autocorrect has died. Restaurant in piece

I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever