Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.

Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:

“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”

Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.

*moves to Fiji*

my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music

Whether you rip off a bandaid quickly or slowly, I find it’s best to ask the wearer’s permission first.

If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.

do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes

have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely

Any time a child tries to guess my age.

When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.

Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.

[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU

Warning:

This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.

me: truth or dare

government: truth

me: is Wyoming real

government: dare

All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.

i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot

This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..

This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available

Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.

me: hello darkness my old friend

darkness: friend is a strong word

Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.

“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works

[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’

The 70s had it right.

Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.

Please bear with my nonsense…

…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.

So, slam poetry is not a wrestling move, the more you know

Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.

My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.

But I know I can win her back.

My iPhone does NOT rule my life.

Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.

asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny

Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.

Let’s Go