“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
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We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked
the best thing i’ve ever made
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
Trust my gut? The thing that tricks me into buying gas station sushi and roller dogs? No thanks.
Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.