“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
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INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run
[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
RT if you could go either way.
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
Email translations:
“I was under the impression”
Translation: I’m furious“As per my email”
Translation: I’m furious“With respect”
Translation: I’m furious“Whilst I appreciate”
Translation: I’m furious“As I’m sure you’re aware”
Translation: I’m furious“As previously discussed”
Translation: I’m furious
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
You can’t spell dyslexia without sexy.
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
sailors wish they could swear like me
I dreamed I won $10 million on a slot machine so you can imagine how thrilled I was to wake up and get ready for work.
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter