“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
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Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature
CEO: That’s a great idea
ME: Call it ClinkedIn
CEO: Get out!
I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on