Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.

Him: you’re so cool

Me: thanks

Him: …and aloof

Me: thanks

Him: it’s like you were raised by cats

Me: *licks his face* huh?

I still can’t believe Aldi sells these for 25 cents. I’ve got 8 of them now and don’t really even have a use for them, it was just too good of a deal to pass up.

Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy

I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.

Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.

I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.

Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are

I’m just playing devils avocado here

mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff

me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?

mom:

me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?

Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.

Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)

Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.

You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?

me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight

me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding

Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.

Her: You should feel right at home then.

Me: 😐

My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.

It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.

-elementary schools

when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican

My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..

*golf swings*

Pennefactor.

Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.

If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano

(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!

Courtroom:

Me: … Well this is embarrassing

Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.

Google assistant rules

I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…

I like slipping notes into suggestion boxes saying things like “send for help, i’m stuck in this suggestion box”

When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.

How did the person who invented the spelling of “banana” decide when to stop?

I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.

You know what really makes me smile?

Fascial muscles.