Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
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Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
Hot wings have killed many people starting with a dude named Icarus.
Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?