Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”

Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.

Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?

Me: I think we should see other people.

Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.

[Getting home from fishing trip]

MOM: Catch anything?

ME: No, but a bear did

MOM: Where’s your father?

My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.

He’s going to be a terrible business owner.

But an incredible mob boss.

One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.

My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.

Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?

There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁

You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.

What am I doing with the rest of my life?

I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…

My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor

“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct

Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.

I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial

Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it

Me: *slowly opens pizza box*

Alien: dude

The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.

When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.

My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.

14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”

my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35

me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”

Parenting’s First Law of Physics:

An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.

You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster

Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?

Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore

Me: Table for 1.

Host: Just 1?

Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?

why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it

Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)

Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?

(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)

In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.

me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH