Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
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You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
Always be kind. You never know who might own a jacuzzi.
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
9yo: what kind of place is Centerfolds?
me: um, I think it’s a place to practice, like, folding stuff.
9yo: like clothes?
me: no they don’t have clothes there.
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party
Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic
Wife: You need a shower
Me: The pressure’s too low
Wife: OK, have a shower or I’m taking the kids
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking