Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
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*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
won’t smith
How wrong was this guy?
My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
One time, I swallowed a dictionary whole.
It was thesaurus throat I’ve ever had.
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never