Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…

My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.

Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy

I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS

My ideal workday would be from 9:00 AM to 9:07 AM

At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.

Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?

Me: I follow my heart…

Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan

i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not

All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.

me after drinking all the wine:

The word Ohio looks like a tractor

My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.

One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.

It didn’t work, unfortunately.

They found us.

Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.

I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!

Best Halloween decoration so far. 😅

please don’t get up in the snake’s face to see if it’s more diamond or oval

just leave the danger noodle alone

sincerely,

a medical toxicologist

I cannot believe all of these people are out!

-Me when I’m out

I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.

-me as a witness, describing the murderer

Free him

DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight

ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down

DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here

got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience

People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”

To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:

You’re not funny.

i will avenge u mr van gogh

I failed as a person; I’m a dinosaur now.

Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.

[commercial for rakes]

“Are u tired of eating leaves?”

Either there are two cops in my fridge or I’ve accidentally opened the front door again