“Oh. Wow. Oh. Jeez. We didn’t think everyone was gonna bring a bag!” -airlines
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Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
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My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am
We get it, Aaron. You like vowels
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
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Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.