“Oh. Wow. Oh. Jeez. We didn’t think everyone was gonna bring a bag!” -airlines
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Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
A fella staggers exhausted into his house.
“What’s wrong with you?” asks his wife.
“I thought I’d save my $3 bus fare by running behind the bus” gasps the man.
“You idiot” says his wife.
“If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved $25”
My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
Oh. My. God.
How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:
1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.