“Oh. Wow. Oh. Jeez. We didn’t think everyone was gonna bring a bag!” -airlines
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People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”
Angel: we need to make more creatures
God: why?
Angel: you killed them all
God:
Angel: giant meteor..
God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute
Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot
God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something
JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?
To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
when someone rings the doorbell
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you