Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot

[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS

I got bills

They’re multiplying

Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.

Some things are better left unsaid

Tequila – No they’re not

[optometrist interrupts me] the bigger letters aren’t louder

[Afterlife]

“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”

“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”

Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?

I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe

*kids walking

Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!

Kids: Okay!

*continue walking at exactly the same pace

Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.

I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.

Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden

Antelope: o no

Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want

Antelope: omfg

We made a comic about a space heater.

If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat

When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.

My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.

Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels

My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream

[first day as a scientist]

*accidentally finishes science*

The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.

The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??

Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you

Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones

Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich

Me: …

I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.

That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless

Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone

My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU

My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.

BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.

PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?

I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.

Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns