Oh wow, she’s so whimsical and fun. Ope, I’m wrong. She’s just plastered in the middle of the day.
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ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
Nothing makes me get up faster than my 6yo walking by me with a bottle of Elmer’s glue.
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
I’m not coming down from this tree until the mayor agrees to save this park from demolition or sends a really tall ladder up here, maybe places some mattresses around the base.
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
[being murdered]
Mailman: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
