Oh wow, she’s so whimsical and fun. Ope, I’m wrong. She’s just plastered in the middle of the day.
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When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..
Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.
What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.
told my husband I needed a compliment before bed and he called me “steadfast and chaste” I….
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on