[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
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Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
any last words?
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
Murderer: *trying to break into my home* *struggling with the baby gate*
Me: It’s a – you have to pull with your thumb while you LIFT
Murderer: Like this? I don’t-
Me: Yeah, yeah, now LIFT
Murderer: *jiggling gate* You know what, I’ll try a different house. You have a good night!
Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’