@not_delicate

“Oh yeah? Define obsessed,” I demand, as I pull my shirt back down to cover the tattoo of your face on my stomach

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@Introvert_Dad

*wife puts down dinner plate*

*single pea rolls off plate*

Me: oh no we have an esca-pea

Wife:

Me: I don’t care I think it’s still funny

@ankles_so_weak

invited to a party: will there be food?

to a wedding: will there be food?

to the gym: will there be food?

to an orgy: will there be food?

to an intervention: will there be food?

to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?

@sarcasticmommy4

My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.

@curlymalloy

Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.

@fro_vo

Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away

@OhNoSheTwitnt

My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.

@BoscoPorter

You guys ever try boiled pasta? It’s not as crunchy but it’s alright

@suntzufuntzu

Spotify has a new playlist called ‘Screams’. After 5 minutes you recognize the screams as yours. After 30 you realize you never pressed play

@wife3kidsnodogs

How come an extremely angry woman can pack everything she owns in an hour,
but it takes her a week to pack for vacation?