*wife puts down dinner plate*
*single pea rolls off plate*
Me: oh no we have an esca-pea
Me: I don’t care I think it’s still funny
“Oh yeah? Define obsessed,” I demand, as I pull my shirt back down to cover the tattoo of your face on my stomach
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invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
You guys ever try boiled pasta? It’s not as crunchy but it’s alright
Spotify has a new playlist called ‘Screams’. After 5 minutes you recognize the screams as yours. After 30 you realize you never pressed play
How come an extremely angry woman can pack everything she owns in an hour,
but it takes her a week to pack for vacation?