Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
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Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
All the good Liam Neeson jokes are Taken.
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: It’s 6 am.
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
Just been down the cafe. Good to see Margo’s letting bygones be bygones.
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
Ways I am superior to ducks:
1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts
2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family
3. Better Penmanship
4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.
I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays
It will be called Side Chick.
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
Just shared my screen in a business meeting, and realised that my desktop was showing a google search for “where did Scrooge McDuck get his money?”
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is