Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
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My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
My dream is to buy a horse and race it. The horse will probably beat me but it’ll still be fun
I’ll tell the full story later but a 30 year old woman was like “let’s take this outside” to my 68 year old mom in a dollar general and mom was like YEAH YOU DON’T WANT THAT BUT OKAY and went outside and the b***h never came outside lol
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
My fiance booked a helicopter tour of the Grand Canyon on Friday the 13th because he has apparently never seen final destination
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.