Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.

Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.

*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*

me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”

Mike Tyson’s apartment building

If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.

It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.

Customer: do you sell {item}?

Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in

Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*

SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical

ME: Oh no

SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut

I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.

Thanks YouTube

gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic

i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room

Me: God, please stop giving me your toughest battles

God: you literally just have to empty the dishwasher

Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship

When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me

I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.

I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”

Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.

Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man

Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!

Me: Sounds like a plan.

The good witch: are you a good witch or a bad witch?

Dorothy: I’ve never heard of a good witch.

TGW: the bad witches look old and ugly.

Dorothy: so…ummm…what are you trying to say?

I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.

William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.

Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*

~ Developers

7:01 AM: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Build your 3 year old a blanket fort.

7:10: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ play house.

7:45: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Resolve conflict between your 3 year old’s toys.

8:20: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Fix the blanket fort.

9:00 AM: Drink cold coffee.

the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us

Statisticly 6 out of 7 dwarfs arent happy…

Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.

could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer

Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa

Mail is crazy because it’s like 99 pieces of straight up garbage and 1 that if you don’t reply to you’re going to jail.