Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
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Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
😂🖐️
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation
Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book
Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree
Me: Waldo you rascal!
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
[Crossword]
7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER
Insomnia is embarrassing. How can I be so bad at something that literally involves doing nothing?