Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.

It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”

If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all

I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.

took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name

Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.

8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.

The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.

Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.

There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???

friend: i would kill for a burrito right now

me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more

When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.

The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer

Mrs The Godfather: WHAT

I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.

3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?

Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.

3yo: Why would someone want that?

I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.

SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife

My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.

Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???

Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it

Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus

I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.

Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.

I drew y’all a little something.

Wolf: [in sheep’s clothing] let me in

Pig: nope

Wolf: [walking away] this costume sucks

last night i was drinking a non-alcoholic beer and the baby wanted to try it so i let her and she loved it and kept going back for more which would normally be fine but we were at a brewery so the optics were kinda like, not great

‘What’s that smell?’

‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’

‘This is your car’

An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.

monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you

me: [pulls covers over head] your move

If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.

You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart

Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next

Gazelle: ok

Monkey: ok

Zebra: ok

Elephant: oh no

teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?

me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–