oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
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Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.
I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
my sentiments exactly
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL