“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.
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When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
Just why bro?!
My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.
Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.
me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!
Your honor, I refer you to the precedent setting landmark case of Smelt It vs Dealt It.
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
How are they running out of oxygen if they’re breathing it right back into the submarine
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
Whoa 😂
