Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Noah: A boat?

God: Yes.

Noah: Two of every animal?

God: Yes.

Noah: I have a better idea.

God: What.

Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.

The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.

“Oh. Wow. Oh. Jeez. We didn’t think everyone was gonna bring a bag!” -airlines

[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?

It’s not a real Sylvester Stallone movie unless there’s ten minutes of dialogue in the beginning, five minutes at the end, and less than three sentences throughout the rest of the film.

McKay Coppins:

My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.

On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”

wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”

*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*

~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé

Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.

Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.

One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early

This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.

safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle

me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor

I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.

I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently

If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?

I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office

– First day of College
– Dorm meeting

Dorm monitor: Any questions guys?

Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??

I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.

#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?

None – it’s a hardware problem.

my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]

*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*

If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”

Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.

If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.

I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.

You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?

There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.

Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.

6: I like your necklace

Me: Thank you

6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right

Me: Not if I disown you first