Oh yeah that’s it
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You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet
When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.
When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.
What?
My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?
yea so i messed up lol
My wife bought a bag of mozzarella sticks from Costco in case 1,100 kids stop by the house.
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”
Business owners’ worst nightmare would be if sign twirlers unionized. Those people excel at holding signs. Their picket lines would be spectacular.
The next James Bond should be weird. Like he wears a train conductor’s hat and he’s afraid of balloons
the icebreaker
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
me: sorry I have to go my, uh, cat is texting me
date: omg just tell me you’re not interested
cat still texting: THE GOOD LITTER HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*
Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?
Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*
Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.