Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all

[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]

I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.

[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper

I’m being attacked 😭

My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.

I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.

Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.

I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub

Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.

I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.

In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.

Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump

Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.

Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.

Wife – remember to compliment the host

[later]

Me – your wife is hot

[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home

Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.

What do we want?
“More existentialist jokes!”
When do we want them?
“Why?”

NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE

Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything

just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.

Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.

ㅤ

i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do

My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.

[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.

Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:

“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”

“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”

“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”

i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator

Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.

Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*