oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
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*Arrives at work 2 hrs late
Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior
Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?
Victor Frankenstein: No.
penguins are just ducks going to a wedding
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
I love my family: I bought a really cool green gourd at the grocery store on the way to the beach & everyone’s first thought is we need to do a photo shoot of the gourd on the beach
I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
People with no volume control stress me out.
I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
My daughter wanted this triple chocolate cake and waitress warned me 4 times there was a little chocolate liquer in the icing and she was 12 and I finally said, “It is fine, she isnt driving”