oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
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*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
Captain America taught me that I just need to take performance enhancing drugs to be loved by everyone
I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.
My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–