oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
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The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.