oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
You Might Also Like
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
You better watch out
You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…
…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”
15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.
How wrong was this guy?
Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
[trying to fall asleep]
SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us*one hour later*
ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier