oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
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[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
Asked my coworker what’s wrong & he said “I’m tired of faking that I like you guys” & honestly? Mood.
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.
*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all
*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few
Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
I’m a carb girl, born and bread
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
who will stop them
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey