MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo
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I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss
ME: damn right
[later]
ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto