oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
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Finally, a door that understands me
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
My dad : My mom :
Disciplined Graceful🤝
Me : Disgrace😭
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
My doctor using a spatula to peel me off the wax paper.
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
idk why doctors only give stickers to kids?
like hello i was also brave today
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk