oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
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Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
Here you go, Merry Christmas!
“Dad, why’d you wrap our gifts in soft fabric?”
Because I wanted to make-
Mom: NO DON’T
My presents felt
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
Told my kids I’m gonna be a toilet for Halloween cause of all the shit I take from them.
Here’s a picture of the beautiful bonsai that died right after I got it. Ah, too bad but at least I’ve got this great picture of it. Picture, where’s the picture? Fuck!
Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
Did you know that an apple can accidentally be flushed down the toilet in a perfect storm of events?
We do, now.
(Just kidding; it’s only half-flushed & is now stuck in the pipes & my god why are kids like this.)
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
Angry when I have to prove I’m not a robot and angry at those who built the robots for whom I am held accountable for.
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.
*cops finds my loose floorboard*
Cop: What’s under here…
*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*
Me: I’d like my lawyer now.
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.