Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic

Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more

DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture

I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.

I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.

You don’t even know

I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend

They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!

been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.

“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl

I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.

Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…

My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer

Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?

Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕

Pac-Man: again?

Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one

Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it

My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.

Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.

She’s right about both.

Good: Waking up every day

Bad: in 2020

I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?

“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”

– Abraham LinkedIn

There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.

I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.

[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there

Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am

[A tissue manufacturer meeting]

“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”

WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂

smokey robinson: tears of a clown

witch: where did you get this recipe

I am so lucky that I can’t tell the difference between a heartfelt compliment and sarcastic disdain. Life is much easier when you’re dumb

My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.

Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.

“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”

– Kids