Oh yeh? Explain this then
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Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
Breaking news:
Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
people keep asking my pregnant ass what my cravings are. when you ask me that question my craving becomes a gun and a double shot of whiskey
My wife bought me a hollowed out dictionary to use as a piggy bank. I never use it. I love spending money so much, I can’t put it into words.
A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”
[portal opens]
dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!
gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-
dark lord: not now gary
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
jokes on you i can still tweet in a straitjacket
Like my dad, I often confuse american and british english. I guess I’m a crisp off the old distance along a street between two intersections.
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
[optometrist interrupts me] the bigger letters aren’t louder
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
LOL
I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys