Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.

I yelled what does BMX stand for?

He replied “DUI”.

* charges phone.

Phone: wrong hole.

One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”

This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.

When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.

Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !

Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.

Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now

The Universe: hold my beer

A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.

Interviewer: describe yourself

Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person

Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar

TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT

I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.

CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir

Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?

Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.

Husband: So get the blue stuff?

Me: Yes.

*guy getting eaten by a shark*

Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.

Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.

Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs

(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)

Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.

That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.

I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.

Google Pay be like:

imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it

Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.

1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe

I am basic white bread.

…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.

Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.

What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat

What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!

I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)

My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth

My laptop: *memory is low*
Me, in my 40’s: “you and me both, buddy”

You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!