Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard

I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.

There are 2 kinds of twitter.

Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itself

Cons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.

It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.

Hot hot hot 🥵

We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called

What did the drummer call his twin daughters?

Anna one, Anna two….

I’m still laughing .

Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time

Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”

My 1st grader is home sick today and this morning I caught him trying to cough directly onto his older brother.

I asked why he did that and he said it’s because he loves him and thinks he deserves a day off of school too.

[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?

Although Paul Simon doesn’t specifically list it in the song, one of the 50 ways to leave your lover is murder.

I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”

Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.

I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.

Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”

I feel like one of these would kill a European

I removed my birthday from Facebook, and now I keep fooling people randomly by saying that it’s my birthday today.

I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”

I unironically love this joke.

Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity

I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right

Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.

Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!

Blacksmith:

[God making spaghetti]

ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?

GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.

Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.

Friends are like bananas.

If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.

Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.