Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.

As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.

Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.

Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.

There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”

Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*

Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online

The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.

[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over

only 11 steps left

Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF

I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.

My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.

*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you

Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.

I broke a tooth eating a carrot. I’ve never broken a tooth while eating a donut.

[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.

Him You’re the reason I’m up at night

Me: Awww

Him: Please stop calling me at 2am

me: do you have a blowup mattress?

host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.

me: hahaha

host: hahaha

me: (nervous sweating)

[Annual Review]

Boss: how do you think you performed this year?

Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.

Boss: you’re fired.

Me: This is such an accrual profession.

Growing up was a huge mistake

Him: How close is the storm?

Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.

Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.

Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom

It’s Fat Bear Week, and they have been storing fat all year for the coming winter. Cute, considering that I’ve been doing that for decades and get absolutely no recognition

To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”

My wife wants a Ring Doorbell. I claim not to want one because of security concerns but in reality I don’t want her to find out how much food I have delivered when working from home.

I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me

Me: dang those wings were spicy

WebMD: you have cancer

Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn

WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ

Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid