Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*First person to ever eat Chicken*

Friend: So what does it taste like?

FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!

*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.

me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it

google: we’re doing this again?

[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??

[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”

It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.

Her: Are you even capable of love?

Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.

The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.

The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.

if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there

What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!

*reading a children’s book*

That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.

OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.

Selfie

I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.

I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.

#ParentingFacts

The only thing stopping cheesecake from being a breakfast food is you.

That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.

[Weather Channel Secret Memo]

To technical crews:

If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.

me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team

captain: no you wouldn’t

me: ok

Spent the entire day milking a single almond.

It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing

Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”

longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind

Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?

Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?

Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.