Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
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How dude HOW?!
Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***
The billionaire who’s hunting me for sport is mad because I’m not trying. I’m running in slow motion making Chariots of Fire noises
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
three things we don’t talk about
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
Whoa 😂
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.
“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.
Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs