Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
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*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
me when the borders lift
#titanic
4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.
A level of petty I can get with 🤣
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more