Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants

[first date]

Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*

Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!

Hostage 1: No!

Hostage 2: Please! No!

Me: So…who gets to be the front?

Me: I can never tell what girls want

Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.

Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?

My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size

Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk

Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.

I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.

Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.

Me: What do you want for Christmas?

Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.

Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.

There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.

“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”

He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.

[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*

Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do

Ooops wrong house😂😜

*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country

I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket

“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”

-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.

*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers

tattoos are a great convo starter. So as an introvert I kinda regret getting them

*Werewolf about to eat me*

Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.

I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.

According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later

Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.

If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.

I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.

Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?

Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so

Doctor: Reese is a lovely name

Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces

back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts

Me: *Being strip searched*

Cop: The dancing really is not necessary

me: what do you want from me

wife: a divorce

me: i meant for christmas