Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?

That’s how I’m handling adulthood.

Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.

I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.

I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.

“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.

*screams as police dog takes me down.

[job interview]

How would you improve our business?

“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”

“Are you religious?”

Bro I don’t even believe in myself

My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?

If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.

Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”

Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.

If someone is whistling they:

1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone

7: Momma, I need $10

Me: Why?

7: I can’t tell you.

Me: Then I can’t give it to you.

7: (sigh) Fine, it’s for a deal I made at school.

Me: A deal!?

7: (big sigh) I’m bringing money, Carson is giving me toys.

Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.

people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed

No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.

As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat

[spelling bee]

Your word is ‘golfed’

“May I have it in a sentence please?”

Sure. He golfed with a tee.

“G-O-L-F-T”

Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…

GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn

[watching murder documentary]

Her: That’s not how I would have done it.

Me: *never sleeps again*

[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]

Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?

JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex

ME: lol

JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby

ME: what

JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again

ME: stop

This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.

This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.

leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies

Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.

Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.

Music can take you places instantly.

Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…

It instantly takes me to another station.

EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.

idk what this dog had been going through but same

When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.