Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle

Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.

8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.

Me: You’re holding nunchucks.

8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.

#growingpains

Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.

Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.

Wife: How’s he doing?

Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.

Hello Darkness my old friend.

Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.

woman on a first date: [pointing to her plate] i don’t think i ordered this.
her date, who comes from a dimension where they only talk like foghorn leghorn: this waiter, i say, this waiter’s about as sharp as a sack of wet mice.

every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”

Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.

Me: *sits* *bounces*

Salesman: What do you think?

Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.

Salesman: Please leave.

if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours

Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”

Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time

Home #decor warning.

Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.

[Command Center]

*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*

Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?

Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.

I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.

I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny

For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.

My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.

[Audition for the musical Cats]

Director: Act like a cat for me

Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you

Director: Perfect

Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.

Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette

Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.

I misspelled ‘I’m unstoppable’ and my phone autocorrected to ‘I’m unstable’ and honestly, that’s fair.

You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it

Me: I’m hard at work

HR: this is why you’re fired

Me to cat: quit looking at me like I’m an ingredient

Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday

me: WHEN IS THAT

ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth

Ways to look busy:

1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed