Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
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If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
they split up moments later
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?