Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.

Before therapy: I hate people

After therapy: I hate therapists

Yes, we have some library patrons who are disinclined to receive assistance from a woman for twisted reasons, but don’t worry, they’re counterbalanced by the patrons who prefer to receive assistance from a woman for twisted reasons.

If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.

Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele

I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.

Me: You owe me $33.50

Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*

I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.

[David Attenborough narrating my life]

Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall

My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.

Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.

Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…

Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]

…EXACTLY.

If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?

So, can we agree on 4 or

“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.

At the aquarium yesterday, my kid asked, “The sharks aren’t allowed to eat the other fish, right?” So if anyone asks, aquarium sharks are vegetarian

Wife: Can you turn on the computer?

Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of computer]

Wife: why for everything

Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.

ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you

It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii

[bursts into garage]

“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”

i’m trying to kill myself

“but you drive an electric car”

M: *sweating*

Some Guy: You look hot.

M: *sweaty blushing* thank you

My kid: You know what I’m thinking??

Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?

[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man

Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils

I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.

“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”

If we run out of candy, I’m passing out Taco Bell sauce packets. Don’t worry, they’re mild or I would’ve eaten them by now.

You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?

I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.

If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.

I…do not understand how electricity works.