Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
You Might Also Like
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
SPONSORED POST: Tide Pods. Remember when we seemed like a big problem?
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met
WIFE: It was amazing
ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.
Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.