I always carry a flashlight with me. That way, if someone locks me in their car trunk, I can entertain myself with cool shadow puppets.
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
You Might Also Like
U.S. DEPT OF FORESTRY: Sir, we believe you’re hunting illegally
GUY IN ALL CAMO W/ ORANGE HAT: *takes off hat*
USDOF: Dammit we lost him
maybe amazon should keep their opinions to themselves
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
If I were God, I’d totally be cool with you using my name in vain.
Feel free to say, “Oh John” next time you’re cumming ladies.
A Tweet is like a dress; the shorter the hotter.
Just stopped a monk from opening a flower shop.
Only YOU can prevent florist friars.
Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
Parenting tip: see if your child has learnt to swear by turning the wifi off while they’re gaming online