Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina

Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.

My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?

Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-

My wife: I understand.

“I’d like to speak with a manager”

[algebra class]

KID: This is so stupid

TEACHER: You may need it in your job

KID: What job?

TEACHER: …

KID: …

TEACHER: Algebra teacher?

[on a plane]

Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”

Me: “Sure, can I have two?”

*puts one in each ear*

“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang

90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.

I’m not saying Lois Lane is a bad investigative journalist, but my friend Greg didn’t wear glasses to work yesterday and I recognised him by lunch time.

Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.

Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science

So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza

A Tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches.

Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*

Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.

Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.

“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”

-Me, as a therapist

If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”

I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.

If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.

Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.

Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.

When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.

Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…

Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.

Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers

Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one

Apologies for the delays. The suitcase smashing machine has broken down, so we’re having to smash suitcases by hand.

I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39

If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.

I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.

Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?

Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.

What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.

*drops acid*

Ok, go.

Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.