Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oh, so you’re a human?

name three pictures with traffic lights in them

HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations

THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!

Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.

Their girlfriends however… not so much.

accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off

Did You Know?

Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.

6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?

Me: Uh

6: Nevermind, Siri…

[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]

Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*

Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready

At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?

Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL

My gf wouldn’t see the last Batman movie with me until we’d had our eighth restaurant date

Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Batman

What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.

2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 Single

Reward me for consistency please

“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”

I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah

Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”

Me: “I said that?”

call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.

Them: children are innocent and go to heaven

Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?

My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”

[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]

Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.

Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.

is this a warning or an offer?

I feel like people just come to the airport to cough

After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.

*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs

once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them

Candles never taste the way they smell

I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.

quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to

For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.

Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –

except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!

ME: What’s the capital of Germany?

SON: G

ME: So college is a no then?!