Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”

For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.

[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]

*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time

I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today

If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.

People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.

4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.

Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.

Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.

Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.

[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”

[interview]

THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?

ME: thank you.

cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit

me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better

cop: you need to maintain the speed limit

me: *knocks book out of cops hands*

cop: are you trying to get arrested

me: yes please

Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics

Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back

Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are

Me: Night love.

11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?

8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife

My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history

oh, you’re in a situationship?

are you the one with commitment issues or the one with low self worth?

“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs

Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.

but if i put my laundry away, the laundry chair will be out of a job

My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.

*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*

“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”

I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.

I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off

Guys you need to work this out.

*water balloon fight at 10 paces*

Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.

For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”

A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.