“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
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I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.
Me: what makes you say that?
Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?
Wife: see what I me-
Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.
Unpopular opinion
The moon is actually way more useful than the sun. Because the moon gives us light at night when it’s dark. The sun only gives us light during the day when it’s already bright.
bruh why was i singing a song in the uber and the driver was like “nah u havin too much fun” and changed the song ????😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
Sheriff: can i help you son?
Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.