Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
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It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
I kinda want a boyfriend but then where will I put my purse when I drive?
I have began to yell ”NOT FRIENDLY!” when people try to approach me.
I learned that from dog people.
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
[Checking into hotel]
WIFE: Please tell me you didn’t use your stupid alter ego name when book-
ME: Reservation for Troy Awesomesauce please
When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.
HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”
Me: Snack?
4: anything please
Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?
4: whatever you want
Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?
4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE
*brings snack*
4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
Social distancing in Australia:
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.