Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.
Did you even think about that??
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HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
you should get a pension for having to go to school for 12 years
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
“What?”
– Jude
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
Sick of people thinking the Midwest is just a bunch of small towns and cornfields when they forgot it’s also a lot of road construction, inconsistent weather, and deer that jump in front of your car
Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
just woke up in a cold sweat screaming “WHY DIDN’T HAWK TUAH GIRL CALL IT SPITCOIN”
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
“What do we want?”
“Autocorrect to stop making us look stupid by changing simple words in our texts.”
“When do we want it?”
“Not!”
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
