Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.
Did you even think about that??
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dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
I think we should hear other voices.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
marvel comics have peaked
My mom was a little overprotective. She made me wear a helmet every time I rode my bike. It was an exercise bike and I was 19, but hey, her house, her rules.
[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
I’m taking my box of wine back and filing a complaint.
It said once opened it would last 6 weeks, but it was gone after 3 hrs.
nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying