Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.
Did you even think about that??
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found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
[During sex]
*Knock on the door*
Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend
Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?
Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!
Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…
Woman: What?
Man: Karen, I’m your husband!
My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
animal planet had a show called “the most extreme” where they would do lists of animals. they did an episode on the deadliest animals. i was ten years old when i watched this episode and i cannot tell you how pissed off i was when they revealed that number one was “mosquito”.
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.
[doing crossword]
Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: neverMe: pistol; three letters
Wife: gunMe: disgust; three letters
Wife: ughMe: charity; four letters
Wife: giveMe: female sheep; three letters
Wife: eweMe: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up
At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me