Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
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[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
My friends are always encouraging me to persist. “Don’t quit your day job.”
Just washed my windows and not a single bloke came out and said ‘You can do mine next!’
This used to be a real country.
Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
Feels like there should be a middle ground
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.
I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.