Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.

Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.

Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?

even bears disappoint their mothers

You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.

I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.

Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!

throwin a party tonight

goths $5
furries $5

raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both

me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room

cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you

Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok

looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours

Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.

Hacker: I have all your passwords

Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.

My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.

Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge

[Interrogation]

Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me

*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl

May or may not have just made a move on my best friend of a year by saying “what’s a little bouncing on it between friends” and I may or may not now be responsible for planning a date

JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]

JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty]

[Jesus and God hi-5]

I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.

My reactions

1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.

I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself

Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.

Been banned from every restaurant in my town for refusing to stop calling lasagna ‘Italian meat cake’.

STOP MAKING IT WEIRD

People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.

Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole

My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.

Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.

I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.

Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.

If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.