Oh, you don’t like my Lego jokes?


HAHA, get it?!


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Child: What’s a pandemic?

Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.

Child: I’ll ask mom.


Dating Profile

Sex: Probably

Favorite Food: Yes

Favorite Movie: Star Wars

Favorite Book: LOLZ


[first date]

DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths

ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*


I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.


Me: “I gotta do things” …

Body: “you did things yesterday shut up”.


Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: I’m just as confused as you are.


When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard

My second thought is virgin wizard


Please don’t assume my dog is friendly because her tail is wagging. She’s just super happy thinking about ripping you to shreds.


Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics.


Some people dream of doing great things with their lives, my dream is to have an alpaca named Al Pacacino.