@AthenaMystique

Oh, you don’t like my Lego jokes?

BLOCKED

HAHA, get it?!

*retires*

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@RodLacroix

Child: What’s a pandemic?

Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.

Child: I’ll ask mom.

@JediGigi

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Sex: Probably

Favorite Food: Yes

Favorite Movie: Star Wars

Favorite Book: LOLZ

@POOPSCRUFFIN4U

[first date]

DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths

ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*

@dmc1138

I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.

@MissMMathers

Me: “I gotta do things” …

Body: “you did things yesterday shut up”.

@Swishergirl24

Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: I’m just as confused as you are.

@junejuly12

When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard

My second thought is virgin wizard

@CatJacquesESPN

Please don’t assume my dog is friendly because her tail is wagging. She’s just super happy thinking about ripping you to shreds.

@HispanicIcon

Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics.

@Kryzazy

Some people dream of doing great things with their lives, my dream is to have an alpaca named Al Pacacino.