I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
You Might Also Like
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
😂😂😂😂😂😂
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
Parenting Tip:
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture
I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*