Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
Oh, you don’t like my Lego jokes?
HAHA, get it?!
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Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
Me: “I gotta do things” …
Body: “you did things yesterday shut up”.
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
Please don’t assume my dog is friendly because her tail is wagging. She’s just super happy thinking about ripping you to shreds.
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics.
Some people dream of doing great things with their lives, my dream is to have an alpaca named Al Pacacino.