oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
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please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s
Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!
This one’s “Alex”.
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer is “Nun of the Above”.
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”
Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.