Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
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Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win, I guess.
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE
I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.
Asks AI, “I nicked my leg shaving.”
AI results, “Remove leg”
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.