Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies

GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes

ME: Put Ratatouille on

Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by all

Me:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes

[yoga]

INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*

Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.

her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!

If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish

my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’

“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob

*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*

*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!

Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.

[on a date]

me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.

wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle

me: *putting down the ketchup* ok

Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.

My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.

I said it must be my weekend immune system.

I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere

In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.

Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.

As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.

Tower: Where are you, pilot?

Pilot: I’m over Cologne.

Tower: Your pungent odour has not gone unnoticed, but where are you?

God: you’re a koala bear.

Koala: yay I love bears!

God: but you’re not a bear.

Koala: oh.

God: yeah.

Koala: this is awkward.

God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.

Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )

God:

Koala:

God: that pun was beary bad.

just leaving a message to let you know I got your text

– voicemails from my dad

I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!

My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.

Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.

me hitting on a model

One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.

It didn’t work, unfortunately.

They found us.

I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)

My yoga instructor: Do what feels good. Listen to your body.

My body: I want donuts.

Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone

Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr