Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.

Delicious if literal: Gravy boat.

Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married you

Me: Apology accepted

I hate when people can’t let go of the past.

Debt collectors are the worst.

i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting

people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important

ACCEPTABLE RISK

Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.

Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]

My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?

A seller on Amazon just paid me for a 5 star review. I feel guilty. Don’t listen to me if you’re checking out the Emotional Support Pizza Blanket

You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think

“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?

Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”

One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.

The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!

When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.

Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.

Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.

I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.

If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?

Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?

[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]

Me: ya know you can fly !

There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.

my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist

Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.

I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.

I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.

Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?

Let’s see her walk backward.

Now diagonally.

Cha-cha real smooth.

Celery is depressing green water wafers.

Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils

Me: *pours*

Wife: And now lye

Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets

Wife: What

Me: What

“I asked you to find me some books about birding.”
“Yes, are these titles not helpful?”
“No! These books are all about going out and looking at birds. I don’t want to do that!”
“I’m now equal parts eager and apprehensive to find out what the word ‘birding’ means to you.”