Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
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I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
How can vampires enjoy drinking our hot blood in the summer and other thoughts that keep me up at night
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
Is this you?
me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!
HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into first day of school: Everyone has Ebola.
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?